Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The CRAZIIIINESSSSSS of Life.....
Title: You have to be kidding me?
Title: We have no real power or control over anything in our lives...really....
Title: CANCER SUCKS
I have to say that I have no idea how to title this blog post. But the important thing is that i have wanted to post something for about a week and finally feel ready to do so. A shout out to friends and family and friends i havent even met for you support to this point and I will rely on you more and more each day.
Last week My lovely honey was diagnosed with Colo-Rectal Cancer. I will spare you the details but it was a routine colonoscopy ( PSA, if you are 50 yo get it, dont wait) and he was asymptomatic. My first thought was "so what, you remove a polyp and it is fine. I mean didnt Ronald Reagan have a polyp. or five?" He died of Alzheimers not cancer. ( i think??) but funny what pops into your head. We have a wonderful GI doc that called Rich to tell him the news not 24 hours later and from there the rubber side was no longer on the road. Or the spot of bother became more than a nuisance. I could write a book on the tumor and what they found and the onslaught of diagnostics that he has now been thru, but the take home message really is this:
We are so lucky that from the CT/MRI/Ultrasound there is no metastses. On the cellular level we dont know...we still have yet to meet with an Oncologist. I keep saying that the glass half empty is the aggressive surgery we are 99% likely to have, the glass half full is that this surgery allows for the MOST LIKELY CHANCE that the cancer will not recur. I mean is there no right answer??
In all of this I have struggled with feelings of shock: NO WAY. To denial : Ok dont have surgery the friday before my race, ok? To even telling him: "you know i would not race. that would be ok." to which my loving fiance said "you are kidding arent you?" to which I honestly had to say " HOLY COW, I mean I am still not believing this!!!"
1) The races i have left are FOLLY. I mean really. I feel like i shouldnt do them. But at the next breathe i feel that I should. I can. He wants to watch. He can watch. He feels fine. I am healthy. I can. So i will.
2)Even if they are FOLLY, I need to try to keep some semblance of my normal life. For some a normal life may not be training twice a day. And for some a normal life may not be emailing their coach to talk and ask for support and emailing freinds to go jump in a cold lake in late September. But for me, while we are in this limbo, that is normal. And we may even jump in a colder lake in October. Who knows. When the MD appts call and when he calls I am there, but when I have the time and the presence of mind i have to keep my life as normal as possible. Whatever normal is:)
3) We have no control over anything really. Stay in the moment and enjoy it.
4) One surgeon we talked to replied to a question I had as such "When you have had cancer, you still live in fear of cancer even if it is cured" thanks. And yea I have been looking over and over again at my melanoma site and looking hard at my skin to make sure i dont have anything suspicious. But as some of you may know once your body "knows" for lack of a better term "HOW TO MUCK UP CELLS AND GO HAYWIRE" it could do it again. So i have had to be strong and not get all wrapped up in my own fears of my own cancer coming back. or my mom's. or my co-workers, or...
5)Why do bad things happen to such good people? I mean to a man that if you havent met him is the one that works so hard to take care of people with serious oral /dental issues, that operates on children with Cleft Palate, that volunteers at his church, that is always giving of his time and his presence to his family and friends and of course the most unselfish fiance and friend a girl could ask for. I mean really? And then we return to the shock->disbelief-> denial stages.
And we try not to ask WHY, no risk factors...the surgeon was smiling..." I love seeing a trim person. makes surgery so much easier" which makes you think he doesnt see them too often in cases of colo-rectal cancer. I dont know....my blog i can be judgemental if i want.
6) Our future as ONE is still just that. But the wedding ceremony will be postponed. We are deeply saddened but obviously we have to focus on his health. Hope is there that we can still figure something out and thanks ( even tho they dont read the blog) to those folks that have gracefully refunded the ooodles of downpayments we have made to date. To the others I have not heard from or that say "you signed a contract" I say.___________. Yes. I did. Life is good. I wont worry. It is money. It is just money and you get no more of my energy.
And as I ramble on and on I do ask you this:
Tell me funny movies to watch...we are already planning to watch the BIG LEBOWSKI over and over again. Not sure we can do the White Russians or not...Other ones we like Curb your enthusiasm series, The Office series, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Best of Show....send others!!! WE need some laughter!!!!
Oh and in the mean time I intend to just keep watching the FED hit the most amazing shot EVER and the look on Novak's face. Roger is pure joy!! hitting a CLEAN WINNER...man...that is such a sweet feeling...scroll down and watch it with me!
Thanks for reading and thanks for lifting us up in prayer or whatever your higher power is. We need the energy!