Every two years....

I get a Breast MRI. It all started when my mother was diagnosed at 78 years young wiht a weird kind of breast cancer. She found the tumor herself, despite having annual mammograms, and following all the protocols for those. When the tumor and her breast were removed ( within about 3 days) the surgeon said the mass had been growing for 5-6 years. To which we wondered what that mammogram had been looking at? Sorta makes you wonder. Her tissue, like mine, is dense. Many of you may also have heard the term that you have FCB, Fibrocystic Breasts. Sorta makes ya think they are all ripped and tight, eh? Well i think they are but it also makes it hard to really see the tissue when they are all dense like that.

So enter mom's oncologist. We never had a need to test for the BC gene. But we were told that we had a strong risk for breast cancer and  she strongly encouraged us to get breast mri's annualy. So of course fear hit me hard and i went for my first in 2007. I wont forget that.

I had had many MRIs...shoulder, hip, ITB, not sure what else, but anyways it was fine, you roll in, dont move, get a headset bc its so loud and listen to some radio and its over before you know it. 20 minutes tops.

When i went to the hosptial and they checked me in like an Inpatient i knew this was going to be different. I got a wrist band. I got all the gowns. I Was led back to the IV area.


WAIT A MINUTE....IV? nobody said i had to have an IV? I never had an IV when you looked at my knee or my hamstring? And then was told they do a contrast dye, to compare scans. Gulp. so now you have just increased my anxiety two fold. I Get that all set and then i get into the MRI room and realize i am going to be FACE planted in that puppy, with my girls in their own little comfy pouches. How nice. Arms at side and your eyes? Well they are looking at a white cotton face cradle. No ground, just the glmpse of the sides of the Can. Ok then. Here we go.

I am pretty sure that one took some STRONG meditative powers to get thru it. To not FREAK. OUT. and everytime they said DO NOT MOVE or we have to re do it. I moved. I am a deep breather. How can you not move your thorax when you are trying to relax and breathe deeply.

Ok jump to today...I had another one in 2009 that had to be redone bc I freaked out and before they shot the dye in (luckily) had a panic attack bc i had a head cold and i could not breathe. nice. Sorta was like an open water panic attack, no joke. But i learned from that the key to my future MRI's....

Ativan....bring it on!

Now I am no drug store, and If my hubby or I take so much as an aleve its serious. So the 4 Ativans i got from 2009 were now down to 3.5 since i cut it in half. I took 1/2 today ( i had a driver, my mom) and so i was good to go. Everything went as planned. Funny comment from Rich " I am glad you and your mom are Breast Buddies, you can hang with each other on this stuff." :) Yes we are!


Gown on. Jewelry off. IV in. ouch. Saline flush ( salty taste) lie prone ( face flat) dont move, headphones on...and BAM we are off. But after the first scan I had to tell them i needed earplugs. It was the loudest clatter i have ever heard. I really knew i would not last 40 minutes in there, so she came in and told me " DO NOT MOVE A MUSCLE. " and put earplugs in my ears for me, the headphones were useless anyways i could only hear music when the clatter stopped. I had a bit of anxiety at first. I started thinking about my breathing and trying to not move my chest but i breathe deep so i figured that if they are going to say my thorax is moving too much i will have to say " see ya" since shallow breathing to me = hyperventilate. So i kept my breathing deep and i closed my eyes and i think the ativan sorta kicked in a bit as i was just thinking about....

OPEN WATER SWIM RACES!

I know? Weird? no not really bc what skills did i use to not FREAK OUT in Madison? well the same skills i used to NOT FREAK OUT in a can face down not moving with clatter in my ears and with all the sudden COLD dye being shot into my forearm. That is enough to make you freak out too.

So why do you care about this? Maybe you dont, but I thought it would be a good learning experience for any of you that may have to get a breast MRI, or who are avoiding getting one, or who are just interested in stuff like this. All in all it takes about 45 to an hour, and then you get a ride home since even tho the meds say "use caution driving heavy machinery" i think i wanted a ride home.

I do have one area that is always sore and tender with my period, and i know that since everyone says "cancer tumors dont hurt" that this is likely a duct that is inflamed or something. But the way my life is going these days I needed this for piece of mind. I fully expect to hear " Come back in 2 years," in which case i will have my 1/2 Ativan and my earplugs ready.

Tonight I am taking my most awesome PT out for wine. She is a great person, has been so good to me, and still lets me come work out at their clinic. Yes wine. Dont worry i think the ativan has worn off....
And its a 1/2mile drive anyways!

Living in Limbo

Thanks for all the nice comments and support. Both of us are overwelmed with the love and friendships we have both here and from afar. The truth is that we have no idea what each day will bring. I mean that. I have heard so many uplifting stories of cancer with a grave prognosis, go into remission for at least a time being. I have also heard of stories where a cancer such as this progressed rapidly within 3-6 mos. So who knows. I just know i dont think it is his time. Maybe this is my form of denial, but as i said earlier i dont thinki have a choice but to be relentlessly optimistic.

I am sorry for me that i cant share more. I know it sounds like i have some Anonymous commenter when in reality its not an Anonymous commenter at all, its just a person who has chosen to use us in her pitiful life. And with that I will say no more.

Rich had his first chemo last week and seems to have gotten thru that with minimal side effects. Yes some nausea and yes some neuropathy and some foggy headedness but all in all he was pretty happy with how it went. It's hard being down there getting the chemo with him. He looks quite healthy compared to some others that are there, and really its hard to now stare and wonder, what the others are there for. To want to ask them.."So, what are you in for? What is your SENTENCE?" And at the same time we tried to have fn with it, I got him the good snacks, we had fun with the fabulous oncology nurses, they truly are the best. One of them remembered my mom from 5 years ago when i would go down there and sit with her for her Chemo after breast cancer.

As for me, I am doing ok. Sleeping better even sans drugs, but at night sometimes things pop up and my MD advised me to "take a nibble" of an Ambien. I love that. I love her orders:) I dont think i have ever taken a full Ambien ( and i have never really taken it before) so if i did i may not wake up for 24 hours.
Training is fine. Meh...whatever. Just getting out to breathe, feel my legs, ride my road bike ( Poor Gretta was washed but she hasnt seen the light of day since IM, she still appears to have sticky sugar on her poor girl), and of course a bit of chlorine that i didnt miss this summer swimming outdoors and in the lake.

WE enjoyed a fabulous Vegan Meal that my friend KJ brought us saturday. Lentil Curry and twice baked potatoes and some rice krsipy treats, all vegan. Of course i messed it up by adding Chicken broth to the soup/curry bc it was SO thick. Oops. Sorry i hope i didnt lose the Vegan Super Powers. ( you wont get that unless you saw that movie about the kid who had super powers and they made him drink a latte and he lost his powers,  cant remember the name, it was pretty weird) I digress....but we are doing pretty well at eating a good clean diet for him, and despite many offers for meals from people the truth is that i love to cook. ITs good therapy for me, and he likes what i cook him. So if i turn down a lasagna, and white garlic bread dont be offended. We love that you want to share with us but flowers will do, or just a plain old hug:)

Till next time.

Real Life

It's been a wild ride the last two weeks. And I am going to cut to the chase. Some of you know this and I really appreciate the privacy you have given me. Rich was diagnosed with Metastatic Cancer.  It is asymptomatic which is a blessing, but also made it that much more shocking. I SOOOOO want to tell you more and talk more about this but the same people that used my blog against us, shamefully, in the pas,t can and will do that again and so since i dont want to make this blog private you are getting few details. Please refrain from FB ing about this, its just not something i feel is recent news - worthy.

I decided to blog about this bc I need to for me. I need to for us, and again, for me. I also want to blog bc I know many of you praying, thinking, sending good healing vibes will help us as we start yet another journey into fighting Cancer.

My feelings have been pretty raw this last week. I have been thru the denial, the acceptance and the shock that comes with this. It's not as cut and dry as it was 2 years ago, and for that i am so sad. But at the same time miracles happen everyday. We have to believe in them, and we have to keep positive. I have thought alot about how my IM training is helping me deal with this. I do mean that. I think we have to be relentlessly positive, otherwise you have no hope. When you have no hope, you just give up.

And at the same time as many of you, my friends, were in Kona racing and spectating, I had some pretty strong feelings about what that all meant to me. I wanted to yell at the top of my lungs that KONA is AWESOME, but its not real life. I am not angry...I wanted to be there, trust me!!  I was acutely aware that if your bike was hard and windy, that you were biking, not talking to your Oncologist. I wanted you all to SOAK IT UP, and to really really have a blast. Stuff like this doesnt make me say "WHY ME?" but more so " WHY NOT ME?" I mean why dont I have cancer?

And then you realize it's just another reason to be so damn thankful for what you have today. And to take life day by day and to love, laugh do what makes you happy, and not sweat the small stuff. If you think you dont have enough money, think about why you think you need so much money to make you happy. If you think you arent fast enough, figure out how being faster is really going to help you or make you happier. If you arent happy, figure out why and dont just blame everyone else. Do something for yourself.

Ok over and out, sorry for the trip to Cancerland. But I will be here for awhile, hope to be able to share more, but for now its all i feel SAFE sharing.

The CRAZIIIINESSSSSS of Life.....

Title: SCREAM!!!!
Title: Speechless
Title: You have to be kidding me?
Title: We have no real power or control over anything in our lives...really....
Title: CANCER SUCKS

I have to say that I have no idea how to title this blog post. But the important thing is that i have wanted to post something for about a week and finally feel ready to do so. A shout out to friends and family and friends i havent even met for you support to this point and I will rely on you more and more each day.

Last week My lovely honey was diagnosed with Colo-Rectal Cancer. I will spare you the details but it was a routine colonoscopy ( PSA, if you are 50 yo get it, dont wait) and he was asymptomatic. My first thought was "so what, you remove a polyp and it is fine. I mean didnt Ronald Reagan have a polyp. or five?" He died of Alzheimers not cancer. ( i think??) but funny what pops into your head. We have a wonderful GI doc that called Rich to tell him the news not 24 hours later and from there the rubber side was no longer on the road. Or the spot of bother became more than a nuisance. I could write a book on the tumor and what they found and the onslaught of diagnostics that he has now been thru, but the take home message really is this:
We are so lucky that from the CT/MRI/Ultrasound there is no metastses. On the cellular level we dont know...we still have yet to meet with an Oncologist. I keep saying that the glass half empty is the aggressive surgery we are 99% likely to have, the glass half full is that this surgery allows for the MOST LIKELY CHANCE that the cancer will not recur. I mean is there no right answer??

In all of this I have struggled with feelings of shock: NO WAY. To denial : Ok dont have surgery the friday before my race, ok? To even telling him: "you know i would not race. that would be ok." to which my loving fiance said "you are kidding arent you?" to which I honestly had to say " HOLY COW, I mean I am still not believing this!!!"

1) The races i have left are FOLLY. I mean really. I feel like i shouldnt do them. But at the next breathe i feel that I should. I can. He wants to watch. He can watch. He feels fine. I am healthy. I can. So i will.

2)Even if they are FOLLY, I need to try to keep some semblance of my normal life. For some a normal life may not be training twice a day. And for some a normal life may not be emailing their coach to talk and ask for support and emailing freinds to go jump in a cold lake in late September. But for me, while we are in this limbo, that is normal. And we may even jump in a colder lake in October. Who knows. When the MD appts call and when he calls I am there, but when I have the time and the presence of mind i have to keep my life as normal as possible. Whatever normal is:)

3) We have no control over anything really. Stay in the moment and enjoy it.

4) One surgeon we talked to replied to a question I had as such "When you have had cancer, you still live in fear of cancer even if it is cured" thanks. And yea I have been looking over and over again at my melanoma site and looking hard at my skin to make sure i dont have anything suspicious. But as some of you may know once your body "knows" for lack of a better term "HOW TO MUCK UP CELLS AND GO HAYWIRE" it could do it again. So i have had to be strong and not get all wrapped up in my own fears of my own cancer coming back. or my mom's. or my co-workers, or...

5)Why do bad things happen to such good people? I mean to a man that if you havent met him is the one that works so hard to take care of people with serious oral /dental issues, that operates on children with Cleft Palate, that volunteers at his church, that is always giving of his time and his presence to his family and friends and of course the most unselfish fiance and friend a girl could ask for. I mean really? And then we return to the shock->disbelief-> denial stages.
And we try not to ask WHY, no risk factors...the surgeon was smiling..." I love seeing a trim person. makes surgery so much easier" which makes you think he doesnt see them too often in cases of colo-rectal cancer. I dont know....my blog i can be judgemental if i want.

6) Our future as ONE is still just that. But the wedding ceremony will be postponed. We are deeply saddened but obviously we have to focus on his health. Hope is there that we can still figure something out and thanks ( even tho they dont read the blog) to those folks that have gracefully refunded the ooodles of downpayments we have made to date. To the others I have not heard from or that say "you signed a contract" I say.___________. Yes. I did. Life is good. I wont worry. It is money. It is just money and you get no more of my energy.

And as I ramble on and on I do ask you this:

Tell me funny movies to watch...we are already planning to watch the BIG LEBOWSKI over and over again. Not sure we can do the White Russians or not...Other ones we like Curb your enthusiasm series, The Office series, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Best of Show....send others!!! WE need some laughter!!!!

Oh and in the mean time I intend to just keep watching the FED hit the most amazing shot EVER and the look on Novak's face. Roger is pure joy!! hitting a CLEAN WINNER...man...that is such a sweet feeling...scroll down and watch it with me!

Thanks for reading and thanks for lifting us up in prayer or whatever your higher power is. We need the energy!