Thursday, September 19, 2013

Almost a Year

Since Rich passed away.

I have been thinking alot lately about this time last year. With IM Wisconsin taking place recently and how last year at this time I was so ecstatic to have been done with IM and so proud that i even showed up, to the utter craziness of packing Rich into the car monday morning, giving him oxycodone prn, and my sister and i driving him home to MN. How we watched Bridesmaids the night of IM and listened to Mike Reilly cheer in the last finishers. And how i knew that come sunday morning " Party is OVER" back to my reality that my husband was dying.

Race morning. Rich walked me down to the start, we had to stop and rest in the terrace bc of all the people. I cried. I knew i was TOAST if i cried at the IM Start so i woman-ed up and had a super fast swim. i knew this would be the last race he was at with me.  ( well in body i mean)
Jen like the hat?? :)

It's fun to not be trashed from an IM right now. September is a great month to be outside ( usually) and I am thrilled to be happy, in good health and in a good place in my social and work life. But at the same time I have flashes of " OMG, last year at this time...." And usually those are calmed by a visit to Rich's grave or by spending some time alone in thought or with my close friends that have been and are still by my side.

Today was a day that i had looked forward too but also dreaded. I started to get rid of some of Rich's clothing. It was a good feeling ( and trust me i threw in some of mine as well) to give them to a local church sale and some will go to consignment. Rich would have wanted people who needed them to have them. So i am trying to do my best to clear out and lighten up, while at the same time I freaked out when i went to get a t shirt of his and realized i had boxed them all up. I had to grab a few out. I cant go cold turkey yet:) And trust me i wear baggy t shirts to bed Sorry Victoria's Secret, not getting my money!

We also had a birthday dinner for Rich, and his brothers who are all born within a week of each other. It was a few weeks late, yet still I feel so blessed to have in-laws that love me and include me as if Rich were right near my side. ( which he is, i know!)

I have learned alot in the last year. I will write more about this as the days come but i know this blog is often about Tri, racing and all the EGO stuff I do. That is fun and it makes for good reading but while that comes and go's ( hopefully not going anywhere, health and wellbeing intact) what you dont read or hear about on a daily basis or an hourly basis or a second to second basis is what makes me tick when i am not Swim Bike Running. One reason i knew i couldnt do IM this year was the long rides and runs would have killed me. I think 24-7 about Rich and while that is part of the healing process, being with someone when they are dying isnt something that you just say " just forget about it." Maybe some of you can relate, and if you cant, then just read along. But the journey i took with him and the things i saw and the things i heard and did especially in the last week of his life dont just GO away. I have been told it takes time and i am giving myself that time.

What I have learned though is that the people that love me and support me dont have to get it. They are here for me no matter if they dont get it, and they are here for me for reasons they cant even explain. MY family and my friends are what make me tick and the racing and the training is something God has blessed me with as an outlet. So for now this is what i wanted to write, funny how i didnt plan to write a blog on this and here i am, thursday night news on GoBigGreen.

Running the TC10miler in a few weeks, then its time for some deep rest. Lots of running going on in my life and its going great, and excited for some snow ( in the appropriate months) so i can pretend to know how to ski again:)


Beth said...

Always in awe of your strength, Julia. And most definitely, always praying for you.

Damie said...

Beautiful post. I love you soooooo much. xoxoxoxo

Jumper 2.0 said...

Can I give you a hug?

Anonymous said...

You sister, are amazing. Your strength and grace not just through this past year but throughout your life are nor only admirable, but earn you serious hero status.

Big huggs!


Betsy said...

One of the reasons I like you so much is that you're just so real. Strong some times means putting on a brave face and big girl pants and just doing what you have to do. But that doesn't mean that you have to always say you're fine when you're not. If it sucks, it sucks. And some times things just suck.

You'll never forget, it will never go away, but every day will get a little easier.

And seriously...did I just read YOU say your looking forward to snow?!? I can't believe it :)

Molly said...

I completely understand…having been with my sister to the end, it took literally years to understand how to move forward without that feeling of heavy grief being there…and how to only look back with happy memories. It sounds like you are in a good place and very aware of what you need to keep yourself afloat - HUGS!!!!

The Miller Family said...

HUGS have amazing strength....