Wednesday, June 07, 2017

Playing Catch Up Summer 2017: I Don't Know How to Give up

Well today i wrote a blog on my easy 50' run. I have written a lot of blogs in my head running, and I have done a lot of easy running in the past two months. Time to put something on paper.

Its been along time since i posted. Damie said she wanted me to post more, so while i really haven't been avoiding it, its just ALOT has happened and it felt overwhelming to try to share it. I also have a bird in my ear telling me that my life is private and i don't need to share it. But at the same time I think i have a lot to share and i think people actually like reading. When there is a lot of negativity in my life, or I am not feeling up and positive, its harder for me to share that. But life is life and sometimes sharing the reality of " life " goods and bads is cathartic. Also my life has become so much more than " a shiny PR" and a " race report where i killed it." So if you are looking for paces and pre race meals, go elsewhere.  All i know is that when my teammate and rockstar racer Diane said to me
" YOU ARE TOUGH, KEEP GOING, " that is what i decided to do.

So lets play a little catch up. Its been since July of 2015 since i posted. That would be a really long and tedious blog if i tried to catch you up on all that has happened. So lets see if i can give you a highlight reel:

I did Ironman Wisconsin. It was fine. To be honest if Jen ( my cop friend, awesome buddy) hadn't been there or been there to train with me it would've been tough. I recall feeling like my heart wasn't in it. I am not sure why. I did all the work Jen told me, and i still had a day where i came up with a race i wasn't super happy with. Now that is Ironman. I know. But after doing that course 2 times i thought maybe this would be the one i nailed.  
Training ride!!! 
So disappointed no triathletes knew Roger Federer

Sister fun at a family wedding in the poconos the weekend after IMOO 

I met my own Roger
At the same time I felt a bit down about my race, I started riding with a local cycling group. I had ridden with them before and its and effort to not get dropped in the first 15 miles a lot of fun!I met Roger there and its been a great thing for us both. Now i have my own Roger, though Roger #1 ( just bc i knew him first) sure has shown us he isn't ready to retire yet. Ahh, so exciting the tennis he has played in the last year. Seem to always have to talk about a Roger. 

The fall of 2015 my dad also was very sick. He was diagnosed at 88 yo with advanced appendix cancer and also prostate that had metastasized .. the prognosis was pretty grim. My mom and dad live in the house i grew up in, and are still there today. On June 9 my dad will turn 90. He still drives ( eye roll) and he still volunteers all over, walks the dog, and i swear they do more social stuff at night than i do. But the reality is its been really hard. Its been hard on my mom ( who, I know the role there, as a caregiver) and its been emotionally hard on me. He goes to chemo / drips every two weeks. He has been doing that since OCT 2015. Insert big LIVING WITH CANCER AT 90 cheer!!! 

2016 birthdays! 
On my end it brought up a lot of suppressed emotions about Rich. My dad's getting sick isn't about me. But i do a lot for my parents, and I am the caregiver in the family. The siblings have all jumped on and learned to help and learned that listening and being there, trumps the fact that i can speak the jargon. I am really grateful that they have jumped in when I just can't do it. 
My dad in the center, at the cabin with his goofy cousins! 
The reason i discuss my dad is I am still having panic attacks. Something i had after Rich died. I am getting some help with that, but i now see that I never really dealt with losing my husband. And i am told that living with someone dying from cancer is a traumatic incident. Not in the sense of " one time event" but in the case of a longstanding anxiety and trauma in dealing with what happened to him from his sudden diagnosis, to being married less than 3 years, to seeing the process of dying. Its not something i would wish on anyone. So i guess i just moved on. I am a doer, my therapist says I am not gonna let anything stop me. And so if i stay busy ( say racing) then i don't have to deal with the trauma. ( other than at night when i have panic attacks)

So I raced in 2016, did pretty well. 
 So 2016 came and has gone. I raced. All short and OLY. I was doing great. Jen was great at getting me into speedy 50 yo shape and to be honest I was loving the short stuff. But the truth is that my back had been bothering me for over 6 months. I had had a facet injection ( lumbar) and it had helped a ton the summer prior to Ironman Wisco. But when my dad got sick ( and i started riding A LOT Of CROSS AND ROAD bike) it got super tight. I recall the winter of 2016 not being able to run without feeling like i had a knife in my left lumbar ( L3-4 if you care to know where) Facet pain is pretty specific and its brought on worse with extension and rotation. So running down hills SUCKED.

I did the best i could with it thru the summer, and before i stepped on a rock at Toughman MN, i was really thinking i would make it thru the season and get to AG natz. I stepped on a rock ( beware if you do that race) and that was that. I was out for 8 weeks, in a boot, blah blah blah. my back went to Hell in that boot, and not running ( Which we had already tried over the winter) made it worse.

You can see where this is going.... I raced a lot in 2016 and i did well, but i was not healthy. I made some choices to race and ( train!) in pain. Actually i can't say i raced in pain, i really was pretty good racing. But even wearing my wetsuit ( which i have since replaced) made my left side hurt bc it extends you.

The fall of 2016 I had another facet injection. Its cortisone. It didn't help. We started to piece together a few things:
1. My MRI was clean. I have normal age related facet arthopathy. I have a back of a 20 yo. My discs are good. I have not discogenic pain.
2. My Xray ( AP. standing) is a different story. I have an exaggerated lordosis ( think anterior pelvic tilt or butt sticking out) and i have a right rotation. Thank you 40+ years of tennis. I can just serve a tennis ball for 40 years with my left hand and maybe i will be ok when i am 90! But that is really the key here. The lordosis and the rotation. ITs like a functional scoliosis.

In early 2017 I did what i thought i never would. I had two Radio Frequency Ablations. They put the sensory nerves to sleep that feed the facets. IT sounds awful. My Back doctor is great. She is a skilled technician and she did a great job. Facet joints are doubly innervated from above and below, which is really dumb so I am not that worried about it. Nerves regenerate. OF course anytime you have someone poking around in your spine you better damn well know they are good at what they do.
Did it help? Not 100% sure. I still have a lot of lower back issues, bilaterally.

And while this may all sound like " yawn, another injury..." I wish it was something that was easily fixed. Its not. ITs been constant work and constant PT ( and constant exercises and more strength than i have ever done) I will leave the anatomy and the fun PT stuff at that. ITs not fun when you can't fix yourself.

So today. Roger has learned to swim. Rumor is he may do a triathlon. Though Open Water is an entire different beast. He would kill it.
we aren't in MN anymore ( FEB) 

Those guys i ride with:) fun times in the dez 

Who said its always warm in the desert. Joshua tree. 

Sailing buddies

Wine tasting in Sonoma

Christmas 2016
Lots to be excited about, and well pictures are fun. I have done some really great travel and my back has been " meh " thru a lot of it. I even am now one of those picky sleep number bed people. Im a 65. And i know Gwen is too. yay me. 

Racing this summer? Is going to be different. I have a new sheriff in town and change and transition isn't easy. We have taken a few months to back off some of the things that were hurting me. I am not 100%, and i may never be. But the goal of my racing triathlon goes like this " So Julia, you can retire. or quit, bc i mean who retires when they are 51 and aren't professional? " Then i say " yes but can you still race and just back off what hurts you? maybe do some longer course and see if the slower pace is a bit better? " And then i say " yes but that sucks to not be fast and killing it. " And then i say " For once in your life, take your own advice." So far better than quitting this sport, goal is going to be to race, enjoy, train for mediocrity ( that is a joke roger and i have) and as diane told me. KEEP GOING. I haven't met all my dreams yet in this sport. I have met a lot of them in short course, so body willing we are going to bump it up and go longer. Nothing fancy this year. But lets hope my " 20 yo back" starts acting like one. Thanks for reading and see you out there! 


Michelle said...

I really enjoyed reading your update. You are one determined lady! Be good to yourself. You deserve it!

Jane said...

Hey Julia, Good to catch up through this honest post. Thinking of you and give a shout if you're over on the west side... Jane