But I also have had to hit the reset button this past weekend. I Was going to title this "keeping it real." Because those of you that know me, or even know me from my blog, hopefully know i am not a person that gets down or in a depressed mood about too much for too long. This weekend has been different and i cant quite put my finger on why, but I am going to take a shot.
Dont worry i DO NOT wear that color eyeliner.
The reason it's "keeping it real," is that sometimes we go thru rough patches, and sometimes we just want to have a pity party. Really I dont like having pity parties, and so to keep it real I am gonna be honest. I feel really really depressed right now. Like I take 2 steps forward and then 3 backwards. And the worst part is that you know who I am blaming?
Blame is a bad word. I know that. And what, may you ask, did I do? Really nothing that at the time didnt feel right. Friday it was -5 out. I dressed for it, I did think it would be better to be running short hills outside than on the TM. There is something pretty unnatural about hills on a TM if you ask me. I Did the run. I felt good, Yea it was cold but it was more the " I Cant breathe with my balaklava over my face, or I cant breathe bc i pulled it down and now the air is SO. DARN. COLD." feeling. I Got in and went right into some strength work. That was what was the kicker. Lunges on cold legs with more weight than i had done previously. But. You know what? I kept going. I knew i was tired. I fell over. But i laughed. Kept going. By that night, after sitting for a bit to watch a movie i knew i was in trouble. I couldnt go up or down the stairs and it wasnt even 12 hours later.
So. Yup. I wish i could just stay where I am. And not keep pushing to be a better "me." Seriously ( ok I will limit the self abuse here, but ...) I was doing JUST FINE with my PT, and then i decide i need to be doing more. So i add in all this strength. That yes. I do think i need, but perhaps I need to think again that I may not be able to do what everyone else is doing:) And i need to step back and realize that if i cant even get out the door to train ( well um, remember my consistency talk last post? well that may be on hold here for a week) I am doing myself no favors.
I have been trying to be happy. I really have. But I think that anyone who has been battling injury for awhile ( insert your own time frame) sorta wants to give that comment " oh be happy" a shot of cortisone to numb it. In the bigger scenario, yes, be happy is really an important thing to remember and my only take home for me, bc this is a post for me, is to remember that I owe nobody anything. I havent signed up for one race yet. Other than IM Madison. And ya know, there are many many doubts in my head. Just being honest. Other than feeling like i will have donated enough cash to feed a family of 4 to M-dot, ya know, if i never do an IM, am i a loser? Um no, i dont think so.
I am trying to keep the faith, trust in myself, but at some point i needed to hit the "reset" button and start to think about what is best for my head, and hopefully my body, and that means forgiving myself and not being so dang stubborn about feeling like I am somehow letting "someone" down.
Maybe Angela got me thinking about all this stuff, and being pretty honest on the blog, and hormones and all that. I dont know:) But lets just say that its 45 out and i hope all the snow melts fast, even if anytime i say that people look at me and say "OH NO, we cant have that bc that means it will flood if we have a thaw like that." Like i have ANY control over it anyways!
I Still hope it all melts. FAST.