But I also have had to hit the reset button this past weekend. I Was going to title this "keeping it real." Because those of you that know me, or even know me from my blog, hopefully know i am not a person that gets down or in a depressed mood about too much for too long. This weekend has been different and i cant quite put my finger on why, but I am going to take a shot.
Dont worry i DO NOT wear that color eyeliner.
The reason it's "keeping it real," is that sometimes we go thru rough patches, and sometimes we just want to have a pity party. Really I dont like having pity parties, and so to keep it real I am gonna be honest. I feel really really depressed right now. Like I take 2 steps forward and then 3 backwards. And the worst part is that you know who I am blaming?
Me.
Blame is a bad word. I know that. And what, may you ask, did I do? Really nothing that at the time didnt feel right. Friday it was -5 out. I dressed for it, I did think it would be better to be running short hills outside than on the TM. There is something pretty unnatural about hills on a TM if you ask me. I Did the run. I felt good, Yea it was cold but it was more the " I Cant breathe with my balaklava over my face, or I cant breathe bc i pulled it down and now the air is SO. DARN. COLD." feeling. I Got in and went right into some strength work. That was what was the kicker. Lunges on cold legs with more weight than i had done previously. But. You know what? I kept going. I knew i was tired. I fell over. But i laughed. Kept going. By that night, after sitting for a bit to watch a movie i knew i was in trouble. I couldnt go up or down the stairs and it wasnt even 12 hours later.
So. Yup. I wish i could just stay where I am. And not keep pushing to be a better "me." Seriously ( ok I will limit the self abuse here, but ...) I was doing JUST FINE with my PT, and then i decide i need to be doing more. So i add in all this strength. That yes. I do think i need, but perhaps I need to think again that I may not be able to do what everyone else is doing:) And i need to step back and realize that if i cant even get out the door to train ( well um, remember my consistency talk last post? well that may be on hold here for a week) I am doing myself no favors.
I have been trying to be happy. I really have. But I think that anyone who has been battling injury for awhile ( insert your own time frame) sorta wants to give that comment " oh be happy" a shot of cortisone to numb it. In the bigger scenario, yes, be happy is really an important thing to remember and my only take home for me, bc this is a post for me, is to remember that I owe nobody anything. I havent signed up for one race yet. Other than IM Madison. And ya know, there are many many doubts in my head. Just being honest. Other than feeling like i will have donated enough cash to feed a family of 4 to M-dot, ya know, if i never do an IM, am i a loser? Um no, i dont think so.
I am trying to keep the faith, trust in myself, but at some point i needed to hit the "reset" button and start to think about what is best for my head, and hopefully my body, and that means forgiving myself and not being so dang stubborn about feeling like I am somehow letting "someone" down.
Maybe Angela got me thinking about all this stuff, and being pretty honest on the blog, and hormones and all that. I dont know:) But lets just say that its 45 out and i hope all the snow melts fast, even if anytime i say that people look at me and say "OH NO, we cant have that bc that means it will flood if we have a thaw like that." Like i have ANY control over it anyways!
I Still hope it all melts. FAST.
15 comments:
Oh Julia! It is so easy to be bummed out when you're hit with a week straight of -20 temps, it wears on you (it did for me this week!). Light at the end of the tunnel: 40s today! I hope you're feeling better!
All I can share is this: (((hugs))) Hope that the next week is better for you!
I feel your pain. Every time I think my calf is fine it flares up again. WTF??? WHY WON'T IT JUST GO AWAY FOR GOOD? Ugh. You know what I think? I think *life stress* plays a huge role in how we fare physically. There is a blog post writing itself in my head about this one, but I swear, I think emotional stress manifests itself physically in the weakest point in our bodies... so when we're stressed about something... anything... it comes out right at that point. Used to be my knees. Currently my calf. But then when stress goes away so does the pain (at least temporarily.) Anyway, I think it is good to look into the 'whys' of the injuries so ideally we prevent them from coming back. But in the meantime, we need to figure out a way to be easier on ourselves. If you figure out how to do that, let me know.
XOXO
Thinking of you. Hope the sun comes out. If it makes you feel any better, Andrew has been on antibitoics for 3+ weeks for a cellulitis infection and everytime he thinks it is licked, it comes back. He can't be on his feet and can't swim because of the infection and when he saw the latests abcess this afternoon, I swear he cried. Thank goodness I gave him beer for Valentines' Day. Hope you and your hubby have a nice V-Day tomorrow---and you definitely need some cuddles with a Golden Retriever, too!
Oh Julia - wish I could give you a big hug!! I've been down the same road as you with injuries...long ones that won't go away and prevent you from doing what you love...and really wreak havoc on your mental state and confidence. Awful winter that won't go away doesn't help. All I can say is, in a few months time I hope you can look back on all this and think "wow, that sucked but I'm so glad I'm through all that and stronger for it!!!" Hang tough girl!
I completely agree with Michelle. That's pretty much where I have settled this year. And if you ever need to vent you are more than welcome to write me an email or give me a call! I can sympathize and listen from a realistic vantage point. Hang in there Julia!! I know how you feel, trust me, I really do. :)
You Rock!!! I don't know you really, but I do in a way cause you blog and let us in. :)
Without "knowing" you I still love you. :)) You will be fine. Keep the faith. I fo sho believe in you. :)
p.s. Just be yourself and you will be fine. We can only do what we can do. Not all are Lance Armstrong. :)
ABout Michelle's comments - there is A LOT of research on that, she is right!
Julia, there is nothing wrong with pity parties, they help you feel the feelings, so that you can move on. Injuries are frustrating but blaming yourself does not help. Most of us push through, and want to be as good, as fast, train as hard, as much like other bloggers we read. This is such a battle for me, and I always have to remember myself that this is all for me, and that family and work come before training. This too shall pass, and there is plenty of time before your IM, and I know you are going to be able to train for it and rock it!
I can very much relate to this. I have not had any big long-term injuries but I tend to get sick quite often and it is driving me crazy. And yes I always feel like I am letting myself down. Hang in there, spring is just around the corner.
:-(
Oh no! I am going to send some of your own advice back at you (or at least what I remember best from all of the nice injury counseling you have given me over the years: Don't ever give up and no injury can last forever (although 2yrs does feel like forever!).
I was wondering if you have ever had the FMS? I did mine on Saturday and it was really interesting and I failed most of the movements. It was alarming how crazy tight my shoulders are and how I have ZERO core activation. I also read Gray Cook's book "Athletic Body in Balance" and the first few chapters about injury are VERY interesting (the last half of the book is not so relevant, though, since it deals more with drills for power type athletes). All I can say is that I wish I read it 2 yrs ago. Do you have a Kindle or a Kindle app on your smartphone? If so, I could probably send it to you (I think I can share an eBook to 6 different Kindle apps). If you are interested, send me an email and I will figure it out (I think I just need the email which is registered to your Kindle app)
Too bad we don't live closer so we could have had a pity party together!
Hopefully your trip to AZ will do wonders for your mood and you'll come back and all that snow will have disappeared in your absence (and I'm also hoping selfishly it disappears before I get up there).
I get all of this. I think you'd be nuts not to be a little depressed with the weather and your injury and everything else.
Boo. I hope you feel better soon and the injury is just a short-lived flare up that disappears very quickly :-(
40s? Must feel like summer! I've been thinking about you with our recent cold snap and wondering how you are faring with your winter. It's almost Spring, and IMWI is really far away still. :-)
Hey Julia! That last comment was mine, but I was signed in on nate's email. oops!!
Everything that you're going through is totally normal - YOU are wonderful, and even though it doesn't take away the pain and dissapointment of an injury, you feel this way because you care, because this is important to you... Winter in MN does yucky things anyway - and sometimes you feel the way you do and it's just TOO much. Michelle is totally right - the mind/body psychosomatic connection is an interesting one... I KNOW that you will be okay - especially as I'm writing 2 weeks after everything was really yucky.
Just give it time and some TLC - you'll be great in NO time.... and you'll get to have a blast in Tuscon with some awesome people :)
xoxoxo!!!
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