Monday, November 12, 2012


Well we had snow today, enough that i drove all the way to st paul to swim and turned around because traffic was so bad and the ice was so bad that there were cars everywhere. Knowing that lovely Jen isnt in my life right now as my slave driver, just as my friend, I took it to mean I had work to do at home and turned around. 

Here is photographic evidence that I won that race. Number 2 is behind me. Ok now i dont feel like a poser. And YES it was halloween and i have pumpkins on my cheeks and I was dressed up as...
A snake. 
Not really. 

Other happenings besides a tornado and 64 degrees saturday night, turning to snow and sleet sunday and snow today. Well life is still a blur. I dont think you can imagine it and I wouldnt wish that any of you can imagine it. Just be thankful. I have had more people tell me, those women that have stood in my shoes, that the first year is a blur. It's like you have Alzheimers. Since i work with older adults with dementia and Alzheimers i will fit right in. But if you have contacted me about getting together or meeting up and I havent replied its because I forgot. No I didnt its just that I can only process so much and to be honest its just too hard sometimes to talk about this. That is maybe why i am finding solo workouts so lovely.

At the same time I hate being alone, so go figure I would say that i feel more like i am bi-polar than having dementia. See even this post is sounding a bit "OFF." And I know that:)

Being back at work has been lovely, and I know its what i need to do to get thru each day. There are some unsettled things that arent blog worthy but lets just say when THAT Is behind me I will feel a bit more at ease and normal.

We celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary last week, and I had a party. IT was tons of fun. And Rich was there. I know it. I still am in shock and miss him everyday or every minute. But as one of my 83 yo residents told me today, "You will never forget him and you willnever be the same, it's just different from now on..."Sort of like a new normal as i call it. This was after i walked into my class and said
"Vacation is OVER, back to work." and then burst into tears. I teach alot of widows. As you can guess the majority of the seniors that are still living are women. So they get it.

And back on topic to winter. I got my cross bike out. Not ready to ride it but its going to get ready bc I suspect we arent done with this snow stuff:) But lots of fun things to look forward to I know.
Thanks for reading.


Steve said...

I cannot imagine what you are going through, and don't even want to try. I stick with my belief that 1 year down the road things will seem much better, and until then maybe there is no real "normal".

Not that you won't live, and still have fun and stuff like that, but things get easier, and there will be hard days, and moments probably, and yeah I can see why you don't want to be alone.

take care. :)

Anonymous said...

Yay you blogged! I'm glad you work with women who have been in your shoes and can understand. I hope you make it through the non-blogworthy stuff quick! xoxo

The Miller Family said...

I need to send you some warm weather stuff - HA!!! Keep your chin up!

Eclectchick said...

A poser?! Never! You silly.

As for your faux Alzheimer's, that is exactly how I was for months, months and more months after my dad died (also of cancer - GRRRR). My brain was a total sieve.

Loss, grief and mourning are extremely tough and exhausting for mind and body to grapple with. I hope you let your widows lend you comfort (when you need and desire it, that is).

Be gentle with yourself, Julia. *HUGS*


MB said...

You rock!

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Caroline said...

Julia - I'm glad that you are able to be around others who have been in your place and have an idea of what you are going through, hopefully they have helpful thoughts and advice. I'm sure each day is still difficult, but I do love reading about you getting back to racing and some training here and there. I hope work is going well! I miss you!!!